There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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