I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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