Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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