3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
