my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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