I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
