Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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