Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize