I wish you could order shots online.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
