Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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