Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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