I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
