I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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