I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
