The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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