I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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