Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
