Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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