hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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