i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
