Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just gargled with NyQuil
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
