Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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