WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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