my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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