my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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