If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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