Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
whose parrot is this?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
