I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize