So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
