i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
