On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize