Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
