I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
