Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
