I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Rumble strips road head = magical
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
