What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize