I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
