apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
