She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That accounts for only three of the penises
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
