Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
