Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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