we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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