guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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