i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
