I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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