That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I love you. Go after that dick
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
