I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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