Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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