____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Randomize
