At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
