i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
