Just fell off a train. Bad.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my vagina is haunted
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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