Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
