even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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