I CAN MOONWALK!
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
