Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
