remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
