God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
