he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
