Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
